An Irish Woman and Her Abortion Story

On the anniversary of her abortion, Bernadette used to cry herself to sleep, now, she is fighting to stop thousands of other Irish women making the same mistake she did.

In Ireland, where abortion is illegal and carries a 14-year sentence, tens of thousands of men and women have taken to the streets to protest for pro-choice, while many are still in favour of the country’s anti-abortion laws.

As someone who has suffered with enormous guilt since her abortion 36 years ago, Bernadette Goulding, 55, is just one voice of thousands supporting the anti-abortion campaign.

Her own unsympathetic experience with abortion helps her protest and educate others on what it means to abort your child.

Bernadette grew up and lives in the Catholic city of Cork. With strict parents, fear was the biggest deterrent to stop Bernadette going astray. When she was 18, she emigrated to England and found work as a receptionist. While she was living in London, she became pregnant.

“I was full of fear...I felt that I'd never be able to return home. My boyfriend and I had broken up, I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified. What would my parents think if they found out? I couldn't bring that shame on the family.”

Before long she was hospitalised with dehydration and sickness. While she was recovering, a young doctor mentioned termination to her.

"The doctor asked about my circumstances and I said, 'I can't go home'. Then he discussed termination. I remember him talking about how the 'products of conception' would be removed.

“The word baby was never mentioned.”

Bernadette was assured everything would be fine before being anaesthetised. “I just remember waking up screaming. Three nurses holding me down in the bed. Perhaps deep down in my subconscious I was already aware of the enormity of what I had done.”

Following her abortion she did not receive any counselling or information about the procedure. “To this day I do not know what type of abortion was performed.

"Before my discharge, a doctor threw some contraceptive pills on my bed and said, 'We don't want to see you back here again’.

“It is a time in my life which will be forever etched in my memory. I was frightened and alone. My biggest fear was that I would never be able to return home to my parents’ house again. I had grown up with the knowledge that if you became pregnant outside of marriage you were not a nice person, in fact, you were an outcast.”

Once the abortion was over she felt an immediate sense of relief.

“You are free from the burden of an unplanned pregnancy, free from anxiety, free from the pressures related to the decision. Free! It’s all over. You think that life can get back to normal… that is, as long as you can believe you did nothing wrong.” Her relief was short-lived.

“I had the false expectation that I could turn back the clock on my life, and everything would be just fine again. I was so naive. I had no idea what abortion was really about, and the doctor who introduced me to the idea did not enlighten me as to the humanity of my unborn child.”

In the weeks and months that followed Bernadette became paranoid and anxious about her secret.

“The lies have affected me the most. One of the lies is that you move on unaffected. Abortion changed my whole life. I suffered deep depression on the anniversaries of the abortion. I had nightmares, flashbacks to the abortion, suicidal thoughts, and low self esteem.”

Struggling to come to terms with her abortion, Bernadette went to a toy shop and bought a doll. She carried the doll with her in her every day for the next year. During the day she would hide the doll in her bag, when she got home at night she would sit and cradle it.

"On the anniversary of my abortion, I used to cry myself to sleep. Consumed by guilt, I thought I'd be better off dead, because I had done something so awful.”

For almost 15 years, Bernadette kept the secret of her abortion to herself and her husband, Duncan. When she fell pregnant with Duncan the midwife asked if it was her first child. “I knew it wasn't, but I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell anybody.”

For Bernadette, the turning point came 20 years ago. She became close friends with a woman to the point where she felt willing to share her experience with abortion.

“I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see her horrified reaction as I poured my heart out to her.

When I was finished, she was crying. I searched her face for signs of unspoken shock and horror I could see only a face filled with compassion, and a tiny ray of hope was born in my heart.

“I had begun to dismantle the secret.”

Bernadette began to use her experience to help others who struggled with guilt. “I co-founded Women Hurt, first of all, to serve as a portal for women who were suffering after abortion to contact us, and to raise awareness of the deep damage that abortion causes to many women.

“The abortion wound is a complicated and traumatic experience of grief and loss and the healing journey must enable the individual to safely journey to the heart of this pain and reconcile with God, self and the aborted child. Women, men, grandparents and siblings can participate in this retreat.

Having understood the pain of abortion, Bernadette is in favour of Ireland’s antiabortion laws.“What a betrayal of women. What a betrayal of those beautiful babies who have so much to offer the world. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

“My hope today is that by sharing my story, it will help someone who is suffering in silence, to know that there is hope and there is healing, and also to raise awareness about the damage that abortion does to women, men and families. Abortion ends the life of an unborn child and deeply damages the mother.”