Forced Marriage: The Truth

When Jasvinder was 16, her mother told her: “You either marry who we say, or we will never talk to you again.” They haven’t spoken in 35 years.

Jasvinder, is a survivor of forced marriage. When she was 16 she made a decision that meant losing her family forever.

Her Sikh father, Chanan Singh, grew up in the rural Punjab, India where he married his arranged wife. They moved to Derby in the late fifties, bringing their traditional values and beliefs with them, including arranged marriage. Jasvinder and her seven siblings were born and raised in Derby.

“35 years ago I watched five of my sisters be taken out of school to marry a man they had only ever met in a photograph.”

“When I was 14, I came home from school one day and my mother sat me down. She handed me a photograph of a man in his 20s I was then to learn I was promised to from the age of eight. The man they wanted me to marry was a Punjabi of the same caste.

“I was the one who said no, I’m not marrying a stranger. I was born in Britain, I was born here, I want to go to school, I want to make my own choices.”

To marry this man meant no college education, no university or job, it went against the honour system she grew up in. Any aspiration was a cause of shame for her mother. “My mother made it very clear, where I was going there was no need for an education.”

She was allowed to stay in school until the age of 15, unlike many of her sisters. Eventually she was pulled out of school and held a prisoner in her home. After a few helpless weeks she reluctantly agreed to the marriage.

“They kept a lock on the door, someone was watching over me and food was brought to my room.

“I agreed to the marriage purely so I could plan my escape. At the age of 16 I ran away from home.”

She planned everything down to the last detail. She travelled over 150 miles in the footwell of a Ford Escort. Her best friend’s brother drove her to Newcastle, a good hiding place where she thought no one would find her. After a few tense days of sleeping in the car or on benches, a policeman found them.

“35 years ago here was a policeman presented with a young girl begging him not to send her back home, just hoping he would believe her.”

If she was taken home her parents would give an Oscar winning performance on the doorstep, they would play the part of the concerned parents who were over the moon to see their daughter. But it would be a very different story for Jasvinder once the door closed.

The officer agreed to not take her home or tell her parents where she was, on the condition she called them to let them know she was safe.

This was the phone call that shaped Jasvinder’s life.

“I rang home, missing my family terribly. I was hoping they would say ‘it’s fine, you’ve made your point, you can come back now.’

Her mother answered the phone.

As she brings herself to answer, there was a hollow silence that felt almost endless. “I’m ashamed to say my mother said to me ‘from this day on, you are dead in our eyes, you either marry who we say, or we will never talk to you again’.

“As a 16-year-old, there was a choice to be made, I could go home and have my family, but it would mean going back and marrying this man. Or I would have to live a life being disowned. I chose the latter.

“I have been disowned, as have my children, for the last 35 years. I chose to have my life.”

Eight years after Jasvinder had been shunned as a cause of shame, she had her own house in Pudsey with her husband, Jassey and her daughter Natasha.

Jasvinder’s parents both died in the nineties before making peace with her.

Jasvinder lost her family because of her arranged marriage, but her sister Robina took her own life because of hers.

“My sister was forced to marry at the age of 15-years-old.” Robina had been taken out of school for nine months, married off to a stranger, then put back into education in Jasvinder’s class, despite being two years older. No one ever questioned her absence.

“It was like nothing had happened, only now she was someone’s wife. She had a wedding ring on her finger, she was never allowed to wear western dress again.

“She suffered a horrific marriage and sadly in her early 20s she took her own life, she set herself on fire and she died.

“It was her death that made me come out of hiding and set up my charity Karma Nirvana.”

In 1993, Jasvinder began her campaign to bring an end to forced marriage in honour of Robina.

She now single, runs own charity, Karma Nirvana, has published multiple best-sellers, and has three children. All of Jasvinder’s accomplishments are a cause of dishonour to her family.

“My story is just one of many, I have always said that. I’m not special. This has been happening for many years. Now there is a voice for it.

“When these women are murdered or die because of the people who are supposed to love them the most, who remembers them?

“I don’t speak to my family now. I am not married but I have three children who will not inherit a legacy of abuse and this makes my decision worthwhile as they will have rights and freedoms.”